Welcome to the Department of Metabolic Affairs.

Your Metabolism Has Been Reassigned.

We don't know where it went.

We don't know who authorized the transfer.

We just know you used to be able to eat whatever the hell you wanted, and now apparently a cheeseburger requires paperwork.

The Department of Metabolic Affairs is for anyone who remembers when staying the same weight involved approximately zero strategic planning. Then one day your metabolism packed up its desk, forwarded its calls, and left you to deal with the consequences.

Same food. Same person.

Completely different administrative outcome.

Now there are conversations about protein, steps, portion sizes, and why something you ate three days ago has apparently become a permanent resident.

Wear it to work, brunch, the gym, weekend errands, family gatherings, or anywhere somebody starts reminiscing about how they could eat an entire pizza in their twenties and wake up the next morning completely unaffected.

It also makes a funny gift for friends, coworkers, spouses, siblings, and anyone experiencing the deeply suspicious metabolic policy changes that seem to arrive with getting older.

The Department has reviewed your request to restore previous metabolic function.

Unfortunately, your metabolism has already been reassigned.